Giving Thanks...

Today is Thanksgiving. And , despite the bad days, the ups, the downs, and the totally unexpected, I am thankful. I am thankful that my first son, who spent his first of week of life in the Neonatal unit at Mass General is a pretty normal teen. His infant complications could have caused him to have been paralyzed for life ( if he made it past the first week of his life).

I am thankful, that even though there is serious mental illness affecting members of my family, that only one member of my family gave in to the illness, and is no longer with us. Even though it is not an easy or pleasant thing to deal with, it can be dealt with and people can live long lives despite the demons and stigma.

I am thankful for having good health, despite the stupid blood disease I have to live with the rest of my life. It could be worse. As I witness every time I need to go to the cancer center at Dana Farber. I think my situation is a pain ( which it is) but I don't have to sit there all day, feeling sick, getting chemotherapy. I get to leave, go to work, and survive another day. Something they may not be able to do one of these days soon.

I am thankful for my friends. I can be very difficult and they put up with me and help me no matter what. I have lost a few friends, and some never call or check in, but the ones that I have are the best and better than I could have expected.

I guess, all in all, everything is good.

Finishing things

Somehow or another I can't seem to get any of the men in my house to finish things. Cleaning their rooms means still leaving clothes on the floor, vacuuming the carpet means leaving the vacuum in the middle of the floor with the cord still lying on the ground. Emptying the dishwasher means leaving the tupperware and the big serving dishes on the counter. Taking a shower means leaving the towel on the floor. Cleaning up after dinner means leaving he big pans out and not wiping down the table or the counter...Makes me crazy ( and you know that is why they do it). I wanted to at least research why it is that they do these things... Low and behold, this is what I found. Lyrics that say it all..
http://www.metrolyrics.com/cant-finish-what-you-started-lyrics-motion-city-soundtrack.html

Priorities

In the never ending struggle of defining priorities between men and women, I always find it odd how far apart we are when it comes to what is important. In my house, the priorities of my 3 men are (in no particular order) Sports, TV, cars. You notice that NONE of these have anything to do with their living situation (like cleaning their rooms or picking up after themselves) Or making sure there is enough food, drinks and snacks in the house. Here's another example;

After rushing to do grocery shopping this weekend ( because I had to work at a conference Sunday afternoon) I was informed that I forgot to buy some items we had run out of.  My response? If we were out of them and you knew it, why didn't you stop off and pick them up? ) After all, my husband had jury duty this week and was home earlier than "normal" for the last 4 days.

I mentioned that he could always pick these things up ( especially since he wasn't as busy as he normally is due to jury duty) and I got the " you have 5 heads" look. It was a "deer in the headlights" moment. One he wasn't going to get out of (at least not this time) and then ...silence.

It's usually easier to tell me we are out of items than to take it upon yourself to pick up these things up.  I supposed if it were motor oil, car filters, and some other outdoor/vehicle item I would never be asked to pick them up, but everyday household items? Aren't those my responsibilities? Well, simple answer...NO!

To make it as clear as day, black and white, I decided the best thing to do was to write down all the things I had to do in the house and for the family as well as write down all the things my husband and sons had to do for the family. Care to guess which list was the biggest? Even written down, it wasn't registering-There was every excuse in the book why they couldn't get to the things on their list. Even the great quote from my husband "I don't have to do them". WHAT?? Well, I saw red, flames were coming our of my ears and nose, my hair was standing on its end....What do you mean you don't have to do them? I asked. His response "I am allowed to relax once in awhile too". Yes, yes, you are, once all the things we need done are done. Then my other comment; "Well, what if I decided not do anything either? How would that do? I don't think my husband had ever thought what would happen if that really was the case. But, reality speaking, I would never say anything like that , nor would not ever do NOTHING. Its just not in my DNA.

To his defense (I am sure you are noticing my sarcastic tone here) there were some ambiguous things on the list. Like getting rid of the paint cans that have been sitting outside on the ledge near the garage since July. We did rent a dumpster when we had some work on the house done, but you can't put paint in the dumpster- So, its been left where it was put-0utside on the ledge. My husbands excuse for not getting rid of them; "I don't know where I can dump them".  It will take him a few more weekends to get rid of the paint cans. My guess is that they will be covered with snow before they are tossed.

I am sure I am not the only one who wishes that menss priorities would at least sometimes include "family" chores, or even at the minimal, not use the phrase "WE need to do it" when you really mean "YOU have to do it".

All is a days work. Then some,  apparently.

Anything can be justified.

My husband decided to borrow money from his mother to buy TWO NEW snowmobiles. One for him, and one for our first son Connor. It was mainly because theirs both had "issues" last year and it would be a much better experience for them if this year they had new ones. So, since Dave's s mother seemed to have $15K lying around, he decided to use it. Now, not for nothing, but there are MANY things in the house that need some attention, that even a portion of that $15K could have been used for (fixing garage doors, painting, new carpet, etc). But, as usual, it wasn't hard for Dave to justify using the money for the new snowmobiles instead of anything else. One thing to remember though, I have 2 sons. And only 1 has gotten a new $8K snowmobile gift. If I were my other son (whose birthday is coming up in October) I would have asked where my $7K gift is. After all, isn't that only fair? One kid got one, shouldn't the other? Good thing my #2 son is more like me and only asked for a new snowboard for his birthday! But you get the point.

And then there is the working around the house thing. Last Saturday, since I had to be in the announcers booth for the Gaels home football games from 8:30-3pm I had asked my men to do one job each. Dave needed to clean the hottub (it was way overdue)  and the kids needed to clean their rooms. I, thank god, had a night out ( for once).

As I returned home that night, I was hit once again with a dirty kitchen, laundry on the bathroom floor, and SURPRISE SURPRISE; hottub NOT cleaned (he took a nap instead) and neither of the kids rooms cleaned. Seemed that it was a very lazy saturday night at my house ( Oh, and don't forget they ordered out instead of cooking too). I asked why they didn't do what I had asked, I got the usual...We forgot....So, the kids had to clean their rooms sunday, but Dave had tickets to a NASCAR race, so he was up and out of the house by 6am.  And since we wasn't going to be home til after dark, cleaning the hottub had just been added to my list of things to do.

I have to wonder sometimes how men would survive only living with other men. They certainly would be broke (paying for ordering out all the time) and I can't imagine what condition their living arrangements would be in. Laundry certainly wouldn't get done, nor would any type of home improvement. But I bet they would all have really nice cars, and lots of fun mechanical toys to use! No wonder why so many younger men go back to live with their mothers!

I keep forgetting that everything men do is always about them. Any attempt made to look like or seem like its not is really just an illusion. I should know better after all this time.

When the cats away. Its a dog fight when she gets back.

In my line of work I have to travel. Not to the great exotic places. No, I get to go to places like Effingham Ill, Eudora KS, Norman, OK. You get the picture. And, while I am away my boys seem to not only forget that they live inside, but they also forget many other things. Like how to clean up, put things away, do laundry (although you know from my other post that laundry is not in the male DNA), or even grab food out of the fridge.

My husband has to cook in our house ( he gets home earlier) and does have many decent and quick items he can prepare. But, when I go away, it seems to be an open invitation to go out for dinner. Not just one night (which is ok occasionally) but every night I am gone. And its not just McDonalds or KFC. For three (or four of them if my mother in law goes too), it averages about $100 every time they go out. So, when I get home, I am faced with a defect of almost $300-400 for their nightly follies. iTs a great excuse when I am not home, since I am the one who lists what meals happen what days. It is even put up on a wipe board in our kitchen, so everyone knows what was bought, and what is expected to be used that week for food.

Not for nothing, but my grocery bill averages $200 each week, and it includes some pretty good meat items meant for dinner. So, when not used, they either have to be thrown away or frozen. A tremendous waste of food and of money.

Another amazing thing that happens when I am away is the amount of laundry, trash and clutter that accumulates in all areas of the house; bedrooms, bathrooms, kitchen, living room. You name it, there is something in every room that doesn't belong there. I have pjs in the living room, soda cans in the bathroom, important school paperwork in the kitchen ( with stains on it), and of course the catch all room that has everything in it- the laundry room.

I'll walk in the house, through the garage, peek in the laundry room and literally have to stop and gasp at the condition of the room! It's unreal! Clothes out of the basket, on the floor, dryer door wide open (and the dryer stopped mid cycle). What used to be clean clothes in the washer, now smelly because they had sat too long wet, not moved to the dryer, muddy shoes on top of the clean clothes in the laundry basket, cat food cans on the laundry room sink ( instead of being thrown away in the garage 5 feet away), unfortunately the list could go on and on.

I would love to go on vacation or on a business trip, and be able to be happy to come home to a clean, uncluttered house, but that won't happen until I find a maid. And one that can not only clean the house, but put clothes away, and cut through the clutter (and that is a pipe dream).

Even though I have tried many times to strongly condemn these actions and suggest the right course of action, it always seems to fall on deaf ears (or selective listening as its known in the male species).

The obvious escapes them.

 I have yet to meet any man who can see the obvious. Lets list some examples: 1) The men in my family will walk out of the kitchen, after they have gotten a snack, lunch, drink, etc and leave things out, cabinets open, crumbs on the counter, and occasionally leave the oven on. 2) After taking a shower, there are still clothes on the bathroom floor, the towels are not hung back up, and all the essential "beauty" products are out on the sink ledge. 3) When going out anywhere, if they pass ANYTHING on the floor (mail, clothes, keys, etc) they don't think to pick it up, they just leave it there.

I just want to yell, "WHO DO YOU THINK IS GOING TO PICK THESE UP? Well..DUH, the answer is simple...ME.

It wouldn't be the first time I stoop to the all time low comment of "What would you do if I wasn't here". But, as you read in one of my other posts, their hearing seems to always be affected when I say something, and the comment goes in one ear and out the next-totally wasted.


Although, it is quite interesting that there are some things that never escape them...1) When a big baseball game or football game is on. 2) When snowmobile vacation plans (in February) need to be made. 3) When their cars need ANYTHING (new tires, new struts, a window fixed, etc) My car, however is out of luck... 4) Anytime NASCAR is in New England and tickets may be available, especially PIT Passes...5) When their birthdays are coming up, the "big" item that they want.

People wonder why I say I am going to sell my home and buy an RV when I retire. Well, isn't it obvious? No rooms to clean up after, and I can go anywhere and NO ONE can find me. Of course by then, I won't have any energy left to drive anywhere, and probably no money left for gas!

Laundry just isn't in a man's DNA.

 I have come to realize in my many years of having men in my household that doing laundry, carrying laundry downstairs, or even folding and putting away laundry is NOT in the male DNA.

I go away for a few days, and laundry piles up, even to the point of overflowing the hamper. I leave the dirty laundry in the basket at the top of the stairs so it can be brought downstairs, and it stays there until I ask someone to bring it down (they have to physically step around it to get to the garage or downstairs).  And, do you think if they bring it downstairs they can actually start a load? Hell no!. I ask for the clean basket to be brought upstairs, and it take an act of congress to decide who actually has to carry it upstairs. And folding it? Are you kidding me?

I fold both my sons laundry, but refuse to fold my husbands. So, his just stays on the bedroom floor unfolded, wrinkled and full of dog and cat hair til he wears it. Even though he has plenty of room in the drawers to put it away ( he claims he doesn't, but if the clothes were all folded and put away they would fit).

My sons do a little better ( but not much). They put away their folded laundry as one big pile into the dresser drawers. Of course the drawers don't close then, and every morning I still hear, "Mom, I don't have any socks to wear". I have boycotted matching socks (because it takes forever) so they need to put their socks together and put them away ( which they rarely do).

I think the laundry industry needs to reinvent the washer and the dryer. Make them more "men friendly". Maybe shape one like a NASCAR car, or a snowmobile, or a Four wheeler.  And, anyone that knows of a way to get men to wash, dry and fold laundry on a regular basis, let me know. So far, it hasn't worked for me.